Slo-Jay;)

new period of time

2007-08-28T02:44:28Z

yep, a new period of time. that time period beginning is that of a new semester! mixed feelings! excited to be furthering myself in college, but irritated with the work load that it comes with. blah!

anyways, summer brk is over!!! wtf happened to all the time? didn't it just start getting warmer? ew!

anyways, i really gotta keep my head on str8 this semester bc i got LOTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to do:)

oh but the summer...i dont want to let go of the idea of it:) lots of fun! lots of drinking and smoking:) fun fun fun! lots of sleeping too:) i love that.

this summer tho, i lost one of my good friends Trista Moretti! she was really awesome. very honest broad:) she is remembered by so many ppl. so many friends and family members miss her tho:( i will never 4get her. she was a late 20's Italian American beauty! inside and out:) Trista, i have to say...I am so glad to have been lucky enough to be your friend:) i'll always remember the fun times i had with u. so many of them, in such a short time that we spent together in SATX! i'll remember the time we decided to play drunken soccer and u kicked a pipe comin' out the ground:) we did first aid on ur big toe! hehehe. that was fun. i'll remember the time i first went out with u and the rest of the soldiers...to Joe's Volcano! what an odd place lol:) and u punched the guy for being a big pervert! hahaha! i won't 4get the time when i went to Cowboy's with u and Magen:) awesome girls:) i didnt know how to line dance like those country ppl, neither did u! so we just spun eachother around and looked RIDICULOUS! but we loved it!!! i wont forget the times u would stop by into A Co Orderly Room and talk with me! even tho i know the main reason was bc u wanted some food from our huge snack bar;) hehehe. no 4real tho, thank you for the memories Trista. thank you for touching so many of us with your big heart! until we meet again, take care! YOU ARE MISSED!!!

so back to the present time...life may have many obstacles...but im ready 4 them. been through a lot this year, and look forward to the rest of the year and the coming year:) TAKE CARE EVERYONE and love you much!!!

-Tj

school is almost over!

2007-05-09T03:55:05Z

wooooohoooo! summer time is coming:)

my to do list:

-TX (ATX, SA, & H-Town)
-DC (of course)
-NYC (of course)
-B-More (of course)
-SC (?)
-VA
-Canada (?)
-OCEAN CITY!

oh yeah and im also gonna be taking some summer classes:) :( mixed feelings about that one!

other than that, things are going gr8. still luv life, hate applebee's and the dumb whores that work there (not everyone tho), enjoying my family and friends! and REALLY loving my newest family member...my niece...MIKA!

luv ya!

ttyl...when the semester is over!

Tj

The Cruise!

2007-01-18T09:43:42Z

So i just went on an amazing 8-day cruise. well i actually got back like 5 days ago or so (saturday). it was just gr8! i will take with me some of the best memories in my life. from the Cayman's to Key West...can't say Cozumel bc that unfortunately got cancelled! blah! but n-e-ways i loved soakin' up some sun and just chillin' with some awesome ppl:) Angie, Donna, Susie, Cristy, Nic, Lauren, Jasmin, Jillian, Melissa, Taylor, Cheryl, Kris, Kenny, Tony, Ruth, Brandon & Megan...u all were so much fun:)if i could go and do it again with all of u...i would. Frame 52 was the party spot! loved it! even when the boat was rockin'...we still kept partyin! funny to see everyone on the dance floor tryin to keep their balance as the ship rocked! n-e-ways yeah lotsa fun!

i went into this cruise with high hopes, but expected nothing. i just wanted to have fun, and i did. however, something happened that i guess was predictable...yet it broke my heart. i came to the reality that sometimes two ppl just don't fit. or maybe they do, but they just have too much shit in their past to work through...making a healthy/loving relationship damn near impossible. u can try and u can try some more. u can get down on ur knees and pray, but when ur hurting and u don't feel loved by back...i guess its just not right.

love does not have to hurt to be right. love should be equal. u GIVE, AS WELL as RECIEVE. so when u give and u proclaim ur love to that person and they don't show it in return...well don't ever think that that is what u deserve. u deserve exactly what u give to others! so don't ever sell urself short. and for some ppl...don't dare expect something that u DON'T deserve.

so i did what i had to do and i put to an end, and it broke my heart to do it, but i stopped what i thought would be a long lasting relationship. it was one of the hardest things i have ever done in life. to just kill what at times was good. however, all the bad stuff just overshadowed all the good stuff.

so days after the cruise, i ask myself why do i feel like crap...even tho i KNOW i did the right thing. its simply bc i just got so used to being around that person. i got so comfortable. then to just have them gone and be "free" again...i guess it just takes some getting used to. it hurts to know that u really tried and it just wasn't enough. it hurts more to know that u really loved that person...and in return u got bruised and "robbed".

so w/e. it hurts. but like they say...THIS TOO SHALL PASS. i know that next time around...i will be better. who knows what the future holds. i just hope for the best, and that next time around the BOTH OF US find what we really searched to discover...REAL LOVE:) we all want it. we just gotta do what is right...so that way we DESERVE it. n-e-one who has really come a long way...they know what i'm talking about! life is full of choices. sometimes u make choices that really hurt u or others. the important thing is that u learn from them...otherwise ur choice just becomes a mistake and a "waste of ur time". so i guess we all just gotta keep on living and learning:)

well there ya go! that was what some of my cruise was like...and what resulted from it:)

luv ya!

-tj

Holidays 06 and one FABULOUS PARTY:)

2007-01-02T19:23:56Z

so im had a gr8 holiday season...a couple bumps that really hurt...but overall very nice! xmas was very nice. my sister and my brother-in-law and my cousin David were in town so that made it even better! haven't had x-mas with my sister in like 4ever! so that was a gr8 thing:) she left today and now im sad:( but thats ok...there are many years to come:) and we are STILL young! yay! so yeah...xmas day and nite was very nice. I got lotsa nice gifts from friends and family:)

my family had a new years eve/sweet 16 party for my sister Tianna:) it was a blast! lotsa ppl....probably like 130-150:) everyone looked so nice and had a gr8 time. the dj was really good:) the beer, wine, liquor, and champagne contributed to the FUN! but no drama that nite...just lotsa fun and laughter:) i made a dvd for my sister (throughout) the years type of thing:) everyone loved it:) lotsa "ooooohhh's" and "awwwwww" lol.

well its 2007 and i hope its a great year:) i wish all my friends and family and friends of family the best of luck!

in about 3 days i am going on a cruise with Kenny and im pretty excited about that:) we were talking and were suprised we made it to this:) it's gonna be a lot of fun and lotsa QT with him:) n-e-ways...just thought i'd share some....although i really could type a lot more...but if ya wanna know more...ummm call or email me:)

luv ya!

HAPPY NEW YEARS! DO IT BIG IN 07!

-tj

never totally certain!

2006-12-05T06:26:14Z

gosh the weather changes so fast and so frequently! i mean that literally bc its cold as shit outside, as well as figuratively! my oh my! certain bonds, connections, or romances are just undeniable. love is blind my friends! i'm content and a pretty happy...but again...the weather can change very quickly. i can never be totally certain i guess:) i'll just keep wishin' and hopin' for a brighter, sun shiny day:)

luv ya!

-tj

finally...

2006-11-30T07:16:35Z

i got it. i got the whole truth. and u know what...it's not that harsh. i thought that this one question i had to ask would devastate me...but it didn't:) so it's just not the "harsh reality" i thought it would be. sux a tiny bit...but i got this!!! i can deal with it. and i'm gonna be alright:) to my friends who have been feeling the drama lately and really helping me so much...SORRY! but mostly...I THANK U! ur the world's greatest...ALL OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS! luv ya always:)

-tj

no matter what...

2006-11-15T08:10:10Z

He sends my way...I am prepared to deal with it. Life happens. It's not always about fun. It's not always going to be perfect. It's not always going to feel good. I just want to focus on the positive, be myself, be honest, and just hope that God continues to bless me and all those that I love. I guess that if certain things are meant to be, then you know...it will happen:) we'll see...only time will tell:) till then...luv ya much and good nite ppl!

-tj

DaTinG?!?!?

2006-11-04T08:34:03Z

I think most of us can agree when I say that dating can be such a drama. In my opinion, it just seems soooo brutal. No matter who I date, or w/e, they just can't seem to be honest or faitful. It seems like gay guys are all about taking, taking, and taking even more. or lie, lie, and lie some more. Seriously, I am not sure if I am just looking at the wrong guys, but geez I just don't get it. If someone wants to just have a hook up, why can't they just effin say it already. This way, I'll be on my merry little way and no drama. Instead, they'd rather have you there to be a "friend with benefits". BLAH! Those guys are just messy. ESPECIALLY the ones that talk of the big white house and matching BMW's. I know, how lame. Don't get mad at me though...you can't blame a good guy for dreaming:) or can u? Or the guys that claim they can be monogomous 100%, and that THEY are tired of guys who just want to play games with you...yet all the while, they will just play games themselves. I know, it's about learning where you were wrong. I was once there too. A total shit. I grew up and changed that. Now, I can HONESTLY say that being HONEST is actually very easy. It all just boils down to one thing: Treat PPL the way you would like to be treated. Not so much huh? Most of us have heard that so much already. Oh and for most gay guys, since your a little slow heres another one: Treat PPL differently than what Paris Hilton would treat others like:) Seriously! I know that in the end this will all amount to nothing, and I am confident things will work out for me...AND ALL OF THOSE WHO DESERVE IT! Just be honest guys...oh and don't waste my effing time. Lastly, if we are just friends...then be an honest friend:) I'll do that 4 u...so please reciprocate:)

LUV YA MUCH...TJ;)

LOVE Article off of Psychologytoday.com:)

2006-11-01T09:29:47Z

ok about halfway through October, i had to do a paper on an article dealing with the field of psychology. i did it on the following article:)

-tj
____________________________________________________________________________________

Love
How to achieve emotional connection.

By:Susan Johnson, Hara Estroff Marano

As the child is connected to the parent, to be connected with another person is the only security we ever have in life. In that sense we never grow up.

An illusion. An anesthetic. An irrational compulsion. A neurosis. An emotional storm. An immature ideal. These are the descriptions of love that have long populated the psychological literature. Let us not even consider the obvious fact that they are highly judgmental and dismissive. The question I want to pose is, does any one of them, or even all of them together, come close to capturing the extraordinary experience that for most people is an enormous part of the meaning of life--an experience that fosters well-being and growth?

As a marital therapist, my job is to help people experience love, to move from distance and alienation to contact and caring. But in order to help distressed couples change, I realized early on that I needed a model of what a good relationship is. For too long, the choices have been confined to two. There is the psychodynamic, or psychoanalytic, view, which holds that adult relationships are more or less reflections of childhood relationships--replays of old conflicts. And there is the behaviorist view: Love is a rational exchange in which couples make deals based on their needs, and they succeed to the degree that they master the negotiation process. Love is then either a crazy compulsion or, after couples calm down, a kind of rational friendship where the partners make good deals.

I can assure you that if I tried to persuade the couples I see in therapy to leave with an understanding of their childhood or a rational friendship, they would not be satisfied. The truth is that these conventional descriptions do not adequately reflect the process of marital distress or the rekindling of love that I observe as a marital therapist. Possessing insights as to why you have certain sore spots or honing negotiation skills seems to somehow miss the mark. Neither addresses the intense emotional responses that consume distressed couples. As I watch couples, I see that raw emotion, hurt, longing, and fear are the most powerful things in the room. Couples seem to have a desperate need to connect emotionally--and a desperate fear of connecting.

There are, of course, many elements to a relationship. It is true that echoes of the past are present in relationships, but this focus does not capture enough of what goes on and ignores the power of present interactions. Couples do also make bargains. But the essence of their connection is not a bargain. It is, rather, a bond.

The bond between two people hinges on two things--their accessibility and responsiveness to each other. The notion that the tie between two people is created through accessibility and responsiveness is an outgrowth of attachment theory. First put forth by the late British psychiatrist John Bowlby 30 years ago and later elaborated both by him and psychologist Mary Ainsworth in America, attachment theory is only now gathering significant momentum. It promises to be one of the most significant psychological ideas put forth in the 20th century. As many researchers are now demonstrating, it is certainly the most viable way of making sense of the mother-infant (and father-infant) bond.

VIEWING LOVE THROUGH A LENS

Over the past decade, a number of psychologists, including myself, have begun to see in attachment theory an understanding of adult relationships. In my experience attachment is the best lens for viewing adult love. When viewed through this lens, love relationships do not seem irrational at all; we do not have to pronounce them mysterious or outside our usual way of being. Nor do we have to shrink them to fit the laws of economic exchange. They make perfect--many would say intuitive--sense. And attachment theory goes a long way toward explaining what goes wrong in relationships and what to do about it.

John Bowlby observed that the need for physical closeness between a mother and child serves evolutionary goals; in a dangerous world, a responsive caregiver ensures survival of the infant. Attachment theory states that our primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people--because it is the only security we ever have. Maintaining closeness is a bona fide survival need. Through the consistent and reliable responsiveness of a close adult, infants, particularly in the second six months of life, begin to trust that the world is a good place and come to believe they have some value in it. The deep sense of security that develops fosters in the infant enough confidence to begin exploring the surrounding world, making excursions into it, and developing relationships with others--though racing back to mom, being held by her, and perhaps even clinging to her whenever feeling threatened. In secure attachment lie the seeds for self-esteem, initiative, and eventual independence. We explore the world from a secure base.

Thanks to Mary Ainsworth, a large and growing body of research supports attachment theory. She devised a procedure to test human attachment. Called the "strange situation," it allows researchers to observe mothers and children during a carefully calibrated process of separation and reunion. Ainsworth found that whenever children feel threatened or can no longer easily reach their attachment figure, they engage in behavior designed to regain proximity--they call, they protest, they seek, they cry, they reach out. Closeness achieved, they do all they can to maintain it: They hug, they coo, they make eye contact, they cling--and, that all-time pleaser, they smile.

Ainsworth noticed that children differ in their attachment security and their patterns of behavior sort into three basic "attachment styles." Most children are securely attached: They show signs of distress when left with a stranger, seek their mother when she returns, hold her for a short time, then go back to exploring and playing. These infants develop attachment security because they have mothers who are sensitive and responsive to their signals.

On the other hand, she found, 40 percent of kids are insecurely attached. Some are anxious/ambivalent. They show lots of distress separating, and on reunion, they approach and reject their mother. Their mothers usually respond inconsistently to them, sometimes unavailable, other times affectionate. So preoccupied are these infants with their caregiver's availability that they never get to explore their world.

The third group of children have an avoidant attachment style. They do not seem distressed during separation, and they don't even acknowledge their mother during reunion. These infants keep their distress well-hidden; though they appear to dismiss relationships entirely, internally they are in a state of physiological arousal. These children are usually reared by caregivers who rebuff their attempts at close bodily contact.

These responses are not arbitrary but universal. Evolution has seen to that because they serve survival needs. Some researchers are busy identifying the neurobiological systems that underlie attachment behavior and mediate the response to attachment threats. They are finding specific patterns of changes in biochemistry and physiology during experimental separation experiences.

Attachment bonds are particularly durable, and once an infant is attached, separation--or the threat of it--is extremely stressful and anxiety-producing. In the absence of attachment danger, children explore the world around them. But if the accessibility of a caregiver is questionable or threatened, the attachment behavior system shifts into high gear. Facing the loss or unreliability of an attachment figure, infants typically are thrust into panic and they mount an angry protest. Eventually, however, the protest dies down and they succumb to a despair that looks like classic depression.

The implications of attachment theory are extraordinary and extend to the deepest corners of our psyche. Attachment impacts the way we process information, how we see the world, and the nature of our social experience. Our attachment experience influences whether we see ourselves as lovable. Research now shows that we carry attachment styles with us into life, where they serve as predispositions to later behavior in love relationships.

We seek physical proximity to a partner, and rely on their continuing affections and availability, because it is a survival need. What satisfies the need for attachment in adults is what satisfies the need in the young: Eye contact, touching, stroking, and holding a partner deliver the same security and comfort. When threatened, or fearful, or experiencing loss, we turn to our partner for psychological comfort. Or try to.

The core elements of love are the same for children and adults--the need to feel that somebody is emotionally there for you, that you can make contact with another person who will respond to you, particularly if you are in need. The essence of love is a partner responding to a need, not because it's a good deal--but even when it's not. That allows you to sense the world as home rather than as a dangerous place. In this sense, we never grow up.

It is growing clear that the dynamics of attachment are similar across the life span. Implicit in the anger of a couple who are fighting over everything is the protest of the child who is trying to restore the closeness and responsiveness of a parent. In the grief of adults who have lost a partner is the despair of a child who has lost a parent and experiences helplessness and withdrawal.

THE MUSICALITY OF EMOTION

Attachment theory makes sense of a matter that psychology has just begun to puzzle over--how we come to regulate our emotions. We regulate feelings, specifically negative ones--fear, sadness, anger--through the development of affectional bonds with others, and continuing contact with them. Through the lens of attachment we also come to understand that the expression of emotion is the primary communication system in relationships; it's how we adjust closeness and distance. Emotion is the music of the interpersonal dance. And when attachment is threatened when we feel alienated from a partner or worry about our partner's availability--the music either gets turned way up, into the heavy metal of angry protest, or way down, shut off altogether.

The lens of attachment sharply illuminates the dangerous distortion personified in a popular icon of Western culture: the John Wayne image of the self-contained man, the man who is never dependent and never needs anyone else. Our need for attachment ensures that we become who we are as individuals because of our connection with other people. Our personality evolves in a context of contact with other people; it doesn't simply arise from within. Our attachment needs make dependence on another person an integral part of being human. Self-sufficiency is a lie.

A PLACE FOR VULNERABILITY

The most basic message of attachment theory is that to be valid adults, we do not need to deny that we are also always, until the end of our life, vulnerable children. A good intimate adult relationship is a safe place where two people can experience feelings of vulnerability--being scared, feeling overwhelmed by life, being unsure of who they are. It is the place where we can deal with those things, not deny them, control them, or regulate them, the old John Wayne way. Relatedness is a core aspect of our selves.

Yet Western psychology and psychiatry have often labeled feelings of dependency as pathologic and banished them to childhood. Our mistaken beliefs about dependency and self-sufficiency lead us to define strength as the ability to process inner experience and regulate our emotions all by ourselves. Attachment theory suggests that, not only is that not functional, it is impossible. We are social beings not constituted for such physiological and emotional isolation. For those who attempt it, there are enormous costs. A great deal of literature in health and psychology shows that the cost of social isolation is physical and psychological breakdown. Under such conditions, we simply deteriorate.

There is nothing inherently demeaning or diminishing in allowing someone else to comfort you. We need other people to help us process our emotions and deal with the slings and arrows of being alive--especially the slings and arrows. In fact, the essence of making intimate contact is sharing hurts and vulnerability with someone else. You allow someone into a place where you are not defended. You put contact before self-protection. In marital distress the opposite happens, self-protection comes before contact. If you cannot share, then a part of your being is excluded from the relationship.

The couples I see have taught me that it is almost impossible to be accessible, responsive, emotionally engaged with someone if you are not able to experience and express your own vulnerabilities. If you cannot allow yourself to experience and show your vulnerability, you cannot tell others what you need and explicitly ask others to respond to you. But troubled couples naturally want to hide and protect their vulnerability, although that usually precludes any satisfying kind of emotional contact.

Like psychoanalytic theory, attachment theory sees early relationships as formative of personality and relationships later on. But unlike Freudian theory, it sees our view of ourselves and relationship styles as subject to revision as we integrate new experiences. This capacity makes growth possible. The past influences the present, but we are not condemned to repeat it.

The attachment system involves attachment behaviors, emotional responses, and internal representations, or models. In our psyches, we create working models of attachment figures, of ourselves, and of relationships. Built from our experience in the world, these internal working models are at the same time cognitive and affective, and they in turn guide how we organize our experience and how we respond to intimate others.

The reason our behavior in relationships is relatively stable is that, although they are susceptible to revision, we carry these internal working models into new social situations. They write the script by which we navigate the social world. Our internal working models of ourselves, our relationship, and our close ones create expectations of support and nurturance--and become the architects of the disappointments we feel. They are the creators of self-fulfilling prophecies.

But the existence of internal models also explains why you can have very different experiences in two different relationships. Essentially, you meet a new potential partner who brings a different behavioral repertoire. This allows you to engage in a different dance of proximity and distance--she is home to receive your phone calls, he doesn't react with veiled hostility when you call him at the office. Being accessible and responsive, your new partner doesn't ignite your anxiety and launch you into attachment panic. What's more, with a different set of internal working models, your new partner appraises your behavior differently and then offers a different response. From such new experience, a tarnished inner vision of relationships or of your sense of self can then begin to change.

A NEW WAY OF CONTACT

That may be what passionate love really is--we find someone who connects with us and alleviates our attachment fears, which opens up a whole new possibility of acceptance and responsiveness. Love is transforming--not just of the world but of the self. We find a whole new way of contacting another human being, and this emotional engagement opens up new possibilities of becoming ourselves. That is the intoxicating thing about the relationship. It modifies how people experience themselves and how they see other people.

From my point of view, attachment theory also redefines the place of sexual behavior. For the past 40 years, we seem to have come to believe that sex is the essence of love relationships. That is not my experience in working with couples. Sex per sex is often but a small part of adult intimacy. Attachment theory tells us that the basic security in life is contact with other people. We need to be held, to be emotionally connected. I think that the most basic human experience of relatedness is two people--mother and child, father and child, two adults--seeing and holding each other, providing the safety, security, and feeling of human connectedness that for most, in the end, makes life meaningful. Many people use sex as a way to create or substitute for the sense of connection they are needing. I would guess that many a man or woman has engaged in sex just to meet a need for being held.

So perhaps now the mystery of love is becoming clear. We fall in love when an attachment bond is formed. We stay in love by maintaining the bond. We use our repertoire of emotions to signal the need for comfort through contact, the need for a little distance. We help each other process our inner and outer worlds and experience each other's pain, fear, joy.

What, then, goes wrong in couples? As I see it, healthy, normal attachment needs go unmet and attachment fears begin to take over the relationship.

We know that distressed couples settle into rigid interaction patterns. Perhaps the most distressed pattern is that of the disappointed, angry, blaming wife demanding contact from a man who withdraws. Couples can stay stuck in this for years. We know from the research of John Gottman that this is a sure killer of marriages.

But it is only through the lens of attachment that we come to understand what makes such patterns of behavior so devastating. The answer is, they block emotional engagement; they stand in the way of contact and exacerbate attachment fears. As partners hurl anger and contempt at each other or withdraw, emotional engagement becomes more and more difficult. Patterns of attack-defend or attack-withdraw are highly corrosive to a relationship because they preclude a safe way for a couple to emotionally engage each other and create a secure bond.

What couples are really fighting about is rarely the issue they seem to be fighting about--the chores, the kids. It is always about separateness and connectedness, safety and trust, the risk of letting someone in to see the exposed, vulnerable self.

Marital distress, then, is not a product of personality flaws. Nor is anger in relationships irrational. It is often a natural part of a protest that follows the loss of accessibility and responsiveness to a partner. It is an adaptive reaction--anger motivates people to overcome barriers to reunion. Self-defeating as it may be, anger is an attempt to discourage a partner from further distancing.

A COMPELLING EMOTION

But fear is the most compelling emotion in a distressed relationship. Hostility in a partner is usually a sign that the fear level has gone way up--the partner feels threatened. Attachment fears--of being unlovable, abandoned, rejected--are so tied to survival that they elicit strong fight or flee responses. In protecting ourselves, we often undermine ourselves as a secure base for our partner, who becomes alarmed. Our partner then confirms our fears and becomes the enemy, the betrayer.

Such fear sets off an alarm system. It heightens both the anger of those experiencing anxiety in attachment and the dismissal of emotional needs by those given to avoidance.

A NEW FRAME FOR BEHAVIOR

The lens of attachment puts a whole new frame on our behavior in relationships. The angry, blaming wife who continues to pursue with blame, even though she understands this behavior may drive her husband away, is not acting irrationally. Nor do her actions necessarily reflect a lack of communication skill. She is engaged in a desperate intensification of attachment behaviors--hers is an entreaty for contact. She perceives her husband as inaccessible and emotionally unresponsive: a threat that engages the attachment behavioral system. Of course, the defensiveness and conflict make safe contact increasingly less likely, and the cycle of distress escalates. It keeps going because the person never gets the contact and the reassurance that will bring closure and allow the attachment fears to be dealt with.

In working with couples, my colleague Les Greenberg and I have elaborated a therapy, "Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy," that views marital distress in terms of attachment insecurities. It recognizes that relationship problems are created by how individuals react to, cope with, and disown their own attachment needs and those of their spouse. A major goal of therapy is owning and validating needs for contact and security, helping people to expand their emotional range, rather than shut their feelings down or constantly control them. It is not about ventilating feelings, but about allowing people to immerse themselves more deeply in their experience and process elements of it they usually protect against--the desperation and loneliness behind anger, the fear and helplessness behind silent withdrawal.

The most powerful change agent in a distressed relationship seems to be the expression of the tender, more disarming emotions, such as longing, fear, and sadness. It is the most powerful tool to evoke contact and responsiveness from a significant other. If I help couples create contact, couples can then solve their own problems.

Most couples begin by declaring how incredibly angry they are. They have good reason to be angry. As they come to feel more of their anger, not justify or contain it, they usually begin to explore and experience more of what it is about. The experience starts to include elements they don't usually focus on, which they may even as inappropriate. In fact one reason for feeling so angry is that they feel totally helpless and unlovable, which scares them.

Soon one partner begins talking to the other about what happened one second before lashing out--an incredible sense of helplessness, a voice that comes into the head and said, "I'm not going to feel this way. I refuse to feel so helpless and needy. This is unacceptable." And now the experience has been expanded beyond anger and partners start to contact hidden parts of themselves--in the presence of the other.

This is a new and compelling experience for them that enables one partner to turn to the spouse and confide, "Somehow, some part of me has given up the hope of ever feeling cherished, and instead I've become enraged because I am so sure that you could never really hold me and love me' " This kind of dialogue redefines the relationship as one where a person can be vulnerable and confide what is most terrifying about him or herself or the world. And the partner, with the therapist's help, is there both for comfort and as a validating mirror of those experiences of the self.

BUILDING A SECURE BASE

The relationship is then starting to be a secure base where people can be vulnerable, bring out the neediness or other elements of themselves that frighten them, and ask for their attachment needs to be met. In this safe context, the husband or wife doesn't see the partner as weak but as available--not dangerous. I may hear one say: "That's the part I fell in love with." In a sense, the language of love is the language of vulnerability. While Western psychology focuses on the value of self-sufficiency, in our personal lives we struggle to integrate our needs for contact and care into our adult experience.

Attachment theory is an idea whose time has finally come because it allows us to be whole people. It views behavior gone awry as a well-meaning adaptation to past or present experience. And it views the desire for contact as healthy. Secure attachments promote emotional health and buffer us against life's many stresses. Love then becomes the most powerful arena for healing and for growth, and from this secure base, both men and women can go out and explore, even create, the world.

AFTER THE FIGHT

Anger and hostility in marital relationships are usually interpreted by a partner as rejection. They are felt as distancing behavior, and set off attachment alarms; you respond as if your life is threatened. But hostility itself is often an outgrowth of feelings of fear; your partner is perhaps feeling threatened. It is important to recognize that it may be an attempt to bring you back into contact rather than to control you. In one sense, the appropriate response to hostility may be a hug rather than a return of verbal barrage. But we fight for our life when threatened; we defend ourselves with anything that comes to mind.

It's after the fight that you have a real chance to reprocess the events more accurately, to enlarge the experience to include elements that were left out of the argument while you were trying to win. An attachment lens on relationships encourages us to look at aggression in intimate relationships as a common way of dealing with fear. It also implies there's nothing wrong with dependency needs; it gives us permission to have feelings of wanting to be cared for without feeling weak or judging ourselves as "dependent." After the fight, you need to recapitulate the events with the inclusion of these feeling.

After a fight, in non-distressed relationships, the immediate emotionally reactivity dies down. (The problem in distressed relationships is that it never quite dies down.) When it does die down, if you have a secure base in a relationship, then is the time to talk about fears and attachment concerns.

This creates the opportunity for real closeness. As in: "when I heard you saying that you wanted to go away with your friends for a golfing vacation, I just got scared all to hell. You're saying that you don't need to be with me as much as I need to be with you. I get totally terrified if I think I'm hearing that."

If I have a secure base, I'm much more likely to allow myself to access the feeling that I'm afraid. I'm much more likely to tell my partner I'm afraid. Hopefully, my partner will actually help me with that fear. My fear level will be reduced. My partner's response will help me see myself as lovable, and that exchange also then becomes a positive intimacy experience in the history of the relationship.

This kind of sharing is what adult intimacy is all about. You and your partner find each other as human beings who need comfort, contact, and caring.

Love Search...a constant battle with confusion & pain

2006-10-31T09:37:30Z

Where to look for a potential and worthy guy is a question i ask myself (and others) that i just can't answer. sure...i can narrow it down by eliminating the places where NOT to find a potential lifetime lover. those include: clubs, most parties, and CHAT ROOMS! who dwells there...the hook up BOYS! i don't want a boy. never have just wanted a boy. sure there was a time when i thought i was someone who could just hook up with someone and have meaningless sex...but i was constantly hurt bc i longed, wanted, and needed a monogomous relationship...but was just incapable of having one. i needed to get that party boy outta my system. i was weak with that. now i just know what i want. i don't know who. i just know that i want someone i can fall in love with. love isn't rushed. love isn't boastful. love isn't about bragging rights or showing off. it's about needing, wanting, giving...having that special someone that u can depend on emotionally. u can find that sense of security with that person. they too should be able to find that in u. again i ask tho, where do u look? CVS? Giant? the thought of where to find your guy is discouraging. furthermore, u have to continue dating to find him. dating and relationships, upon failure, bring heartbreak and can be so discouraging. cheating leads to trust problems. any sort of rejection can lead to insecurities. when u get into a new relationship, after being hurt emotionally by previous relationships, u then have trust issues. i am well aware of the idea of not letting new lovers suffer from past selfish acts commited by old lovers, but u can't just let your guard down and set yourself up for failure right? all of this i speak of isn't something that only a genius thinks of. it's all just from some of my experiences. so what do u do with those trust problems? well i think if you are worth it to him...he will help u work past them and ease your mind...because he loves u. now what happens when u give them the benefit of the doubt and believe he's good and then confirms your worst fear and cheats? again your alone and even worse off. for me, i just keep believing that there is someone out there that will love me unconditionally, that i too will love. my capacity to love someone feels limitless. well for me, all of this is irrelevant i guess because after all the drama, lies, bs...i am still single TJ. i can deal with that temporarily...but again i ask where do i look to find the gay man i love and need? sure they say it happens when u least expect it...but i am growing impatient. i ask myself so many things about the future, but i can't even get to the point where i can bond with someone who is real. someone who loves me for me. someone who can help me past my greatest insecurities-that fear of being alone when i'm older. that fear that i am not good enough for anyone. i just pray to God that He bless me with someone that can give me what i need and deserve. i want the opportunity to make someone happy and love life! i want to give someone my whole heart and not have them crush it when they know they have me. i am just tired of being taken for granted. someday i think my hopes and prayers will be answered. i just can't settle for just some loser. i can be great for someone, so i expect the same for me:) i can't wait 4 the day that it all works out for me. i can't wait to be TRULY in love. Love does not have to hurt to be real. Love can be great for both of us. I will take the chances necessary and i will always dare to dream of my perfect guy. only time will show me what the future has for me. till then i'll save my heart for one who deserves it.

-tj

irritated!

2006-10-30T20:11:07Z

i can't stand when adults can't deal with their own issues! grow up! ur not a little boy anymore and all that stuff is not cute! blah...so class at 5pm:) yay:)

luv ya...tj;)

oh yeah...

2006-10-30T08:46:31Z

and FYI ppl that guy Isaac down there that i was talking about...blah! don't talk to him anymore. he is a sociopathic crazy lying psycho! for real tho. he is a 22 yr old marine that justifies having sex and hooking up with 14 yr olds! blah:( sorry but its just not right to me! i have nothing in common with someone like that. i used to be crazy...not a child molestor...but i was a train wreck also at one point:) i just try to be honest and real with ppl now:) just had to let ppl know that ok:) later...tj:)

been a while

2006-10-30T08:00:16Z

last time i was on this gosh was like last year sometime. lotsa stuff has happened since then. i must say that in a year and half or so...i have really gotten a big dose of reality right in my FACE!!! gone are the ppl in my life who treated me bad. gone are the ppl in my life who used and abused me. most importantly...gone is the tj that was once a user and abuser himself:) don't get me wrong tho...i still know how to have a gr8 time. n-e-ways if u read some of my entries from last year...remember i was a nut then. so don't judge me:) just try and luv me:) lol.

well now i am outta the Army! it was a gr8 thing for me and i met some AMAZING ppl while serving those 4 yrs, but i needed to move on. a career in the Army wasn't for me. there is absolutely nothing wrong with that lifestyle. i applaud ppl who can serve honorably! and if u retire doing that...more power to you. so last november i got out. did lotsa soul searching and now im back home in Maryland using the 43K that i earned from my time in service. Music has always been something i have loved since...forever! so i'm not going to ignore my passion anymore. i am going to stick to it and so far, i am loving every minute of my classes. i think if u have passion for something, work hard, do it RIGHT, and play your cards right...u can really make something of whatever it is ur doing:) i want to get into songwriting and anything dealing with ppl who just want to make gr8 music. so yeah...thats that. i also work part time for the Sunglass Hut just to add on some extra money to that GI Bill im receiving. what can i say...a guy needs a some spending money;)

when i got back home to MD in April it was a bit intimidating. all my hs friends are gone and i dont even talk to those guys anymore. blah! so i had to find some gr8 new ppl. i hit the jackpot with Kenny:) he's awesome:) became gr8 friends so fast. and thru him i met amazing ppl. after time, we started dating and unfortunately...things went bad:( but were ok now. back to friends...thats what i hope is happening....the repairing of our friendship after so much craziness & heartbreak:) he's a really good person and i believe he will get better and better throughout his life. so yeah through him i have met and made some amazing friends named Lauren, Michael, Allison, Andrew, Kyle & Steve:) All have been there 4 me in their own special ways...in such a short time too:)

as for my family...lotsa stuff there too. im so grateful mostly to my mother for allowing me to live at home again and allow me the opportunity to go to school FULL TIME:) my sister seems to be having lotsa issues...jenna that is. i pray that she finds her way...whatever or wherever that may be! my youngest two sisters are doing gr8 with school and their sports as usual. i wish i had more time to see their games...but school and stuff has been taking up lotsa my time. i know that their will be lots of those times tho. my oldest sister Eunice is still in the Army and living happily with her husband and my bro-in-law Eddie in Wash. State:) proud of her too! my cousins Richie and Dave are serving in Iraq. so i pray for their safety! my grandparents also had their 50th Anniversary over the summer. that was an amazing event! 50 years and still strong:) i long for that kind of love...to be blessed with that...AMAZING:)

so as for my future love life. im hopeful. and i know that dating can be BRUTAL...but im ready and willing to deal with that rollercoaster of emotions...happy or sad situations...send it my way:) i realize tho that something real will not be found in a club or chat room. thats just the hook up crowd. i am convinced that i will find my true love when i least expect it and at a place i least expect it...in a grocery or drug store aisle! so for now...i'll continue pushing my Safeway shopping cart alone. hehehe:) n-e-ways thats just a quick update! i'll write more about the FABULOUS Halloween Weekend soon:)

till then...LATER...tj:)

Army Ball Tomorrow!

2005-06-09T20:14:47Z

Yay...i got off of work early today...because i have to get my uniform ready for the Army Ball tommorow!!! its gonna be a lot of fun...i know it:) after that, we will drive to good ol' Houston, TX where myself and Isaac will get to hang out with a lot of really cool friends!!! Its gonna be a blast. This summer is finally starting to kick off...the other stuff was just "pre-game"! Here we go!!!

Friends are great...true friends that is...

2005-06-07T19:13:48Z

I had a long talk with my beautiful best friend Courtney Quinn yesterday! she is in Afghanistan right now. I miss her so much! definitely the best friend I have made so far in life. I really hate that shes out there. yeah its not as dangerous as Iraq....but they have there fair share of fire fights. one fire fight is enough as far as i am concerned. i cant wait to see her again!

I also had a long talk with another best friend of mine...Isaac Salazar. He truly is a real friend. and slowly but surely, cause i really know how much of a rocky road it has been, we are becoming pretty close.

With both Courtney and Isaac, I have seen and shared a lot of drama and FUN TIMES with! whoever says life isn't all about fun can go fuck themself! lifes short...make the most of it...thats what im tellin myself now! like my girl MARIAH says, "I aint gonna let nobody's drama bother me!"

Love sucks ass...but anyways:)

2005-06-05T09:55:21Z

Oh Isaac...sweet Isaac...I hear you. You loved him so much. It's true that it IS better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all! I just wish that love was all that it took sometimes! If love was all that we needed, I would have been happy months ago! I love you still so much. U make me so mad when you look in the mirror and say horrible things! Like...do i look good in this outfit??? or i look ugly today. or how do i look right now tj? thats fucked up! your flawless...always! inside and out. i have seen your heart shine ever so beautifully and brightly. i have seen your physical features and ur beyond HOT! you get so upset that you wish you could have friends that just mean their a friend and that they don't have such strong feelings for you...like all they want is to be with you. but in reality...be happy...cause you know that no matter what...you will NEVER BE ALONE! I love you Isaac...soo much more than you know!

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob

2005-06-04T05:12:24Z

Isaac...ur such an awesome person! u have so much love. but ur so blind with Jacob. I'm so not jealous, I'm over you. yes...I am:) but u say how much ur relationship was sooo perfect. u say how he was perfect. tell me mr. isaac...was his lies perfect? george raped or sexually assaulted him. is it true??????????? no. x-bf robert picks him up by his jeans and carries him to the bathroom to mess around...against his wishes! is it true????? course not. going to family friend, brad simcox, wedding in ATL. is it true????????? HELL NO!!!! and it goes on and on and on and on and on:) yet Jacob was bliss in ur already happy life. Jacob was an angel. the definition of an angel has forever been changed...hes a liar and a complete shit....sorry. i wish i could tell u this mr. isaac to your face, but i hate to see you mad or especially sad. i still love you to death, despite the fact that you couldn't do my laundry for me:) lol. hope we have fun at Schlitterbahn 2morrow...i know we will!

another day...yay!

2005-06-04T05:04:18Z

I'm so fuckin' tired of being alone.
I'm so fuckin' tired of having tears behind my eyes but not crying!
I'm so fuckin' tired of not having someone to be real with.
I'm so fuckin' tired of guys who wanna fuck and leave.
I'm so fuckin' tired of worrying.
I'm so fuckin' tired of dealing with bullshit.
I'm so fuckin' tired of my so-called friends.
I'm so fuckin' tired of being tired!
Yet somehow I still fuckin' love life...

He will be missed!

2005-05-31T03:38:42Z

I first met SGT Budeysky back in 2003 when we were both stationed at Bad Aibling, Germany. I was actually working in the BN Motor Pool when I first met him. He was in processing, and I knew right away that he was a good person. Among all of the people that I have met, not just in the Army, but in my life, he truly shines out as one of the better people I have known. He was a brilliant person that I could always talk to. I had the privilege of working side by side with SGT Budeysky as the Orderly Room Clerk and he was the Training NCO. I learned a lot from him and a lot about him. Among all of his qualities, one thing I most admired was his love for his family. No matter how much he was dedicated to his work, he always made time to spend with his family. That is something I suggest that we all strive for, because of course, we never know when we will lose someone close to us. Honestly, I have this vision in my head that after Budeysky came back from Iraq, I would get to talk with him about his experiences there. Unfortunately, that opportunity wil never arise. Most of you all know that Budeysky volunteered to go to Iraq. I have heard before that there is nothing more valuable than the heart of a volunteer. So to Budeysky’s family, your loss is ours. It truly was an honor to have served in the U.S. Army with your son. He will be greatly missed.

so late...lol

2005-05-27T12:17:05Z

It's been a while since i wrote anything in here...so i fee like i missed the deadline or suspense date on this. anyways....last weekend was a blast and this weekend is shaping up to be just as good...if not better:) it was definitely a blast. i got some from this hot guy Jeremiah...i figure i should stop walkin around like im some fuckin nun or something. i gotta have my fun too! so screw it. and the good thing about this is that i actually am not being a little bitch about it. i am so cautious about it. Jeremiah seems like the guy that just not bf material. so i havent even been thinkin about him like that. i used to do that shit. however, my days of findin my little "happily ever after" are pretty much over...for now. oh well. this weekend is my birthday. im going to houston today for a guy name George's party and im coming back here to San Antonio for HoLLy and I's bday celebration at Dave and Busters:) yay!!!! should be lotsa fun! well...im excited and also heres some pics of last weekend! i'll write more lata!!! ciao!

Awesome Fuckin' Weekend!

2005-05-23T05:44:02Z

I hade a bad ass weekend! And I so wanna write this all down...however...i am sooo tired! so i will be back 2morrow:)

Test Message From Craig...WORDS OF WISDOM:)

2005-05-18T17:46:03Z

"I think you're making a mistake exposing yourself to Isaac so much when feelings won't be returned." thats the harsh reality of it i guess:( just something a very good friend Craig text messaged me...love really sucks ass!

Shaping up to be a great day!

2005-05-18T17:02:35Z

So...I had breakfast at the boring Medina Snack Shack, yet again. I was with my dear friends Holly, Isaac, and Mayberry (I will never call him Hans...lol)...and also with some other little tadpoles who wanna be cool:) lol...i'm horrible. Well the whole lunch was fine except for the fact that I lost my damn debit card somewhere between the atm machine and the snack shack. its only like 20 feet away from eachother! and i managed to lose it! i think it got swallowed by the atm machine...lol. anyways i went to the back and got a temp. atm card:) oooooh i forgot i have ramen noodles on the stove!!!!

Beer!

2005-05-18T03:21:45Z

So Mister Isaac Salazar left me a voicemail and would like me to pick up some beer for him. He is working at a Spurs game...lol. By the way, Isaac lives with me:) I enjoy his company. Anyways...I guess I will do the good friend thing and get him some beer. There isn't much I wouldn't do for Mister Isaac Salazar:)

Hi to all...and what a great life this is:)

2005-05-18T03:12:28Z

So it's been about 9 months now that I have known Mr. Isaac...and I am finally finding closure with him. I have tortured myself with thoughts that one day he would let me be the one to make him happy. Well, what can I say...I am a crazy, foolish dreamer??? Love is really shitty. My high expectations seem to always follow with a lot of grief and disenchantment! Someday things will be be better. and don't worry folks...I'M NOT SUICIDAL:) fortunately for me that is. And well look at that....it's Mister Isaac Salazar himself:) Ooooh how u torture me...lol. i guess im not completely over you...arghhh...lol.